Dear Last 5 Pounds,
I didn’t think it would end this way. Truly, I thought you would have been gone long ago. But you stuck around. Every time I tried to break up with you, I ran away from you, I starved for your attention… you kept coming back.
You kept me from enjoying life for so long. From wearing the things I wanted to wear, eating the things I so desired to eat. You sneered at me for ordering wrong, wagged your finger at my latte and whispered unfriendly words in my ear. You made me feel inadequate. You stole my confidence, my autonomy. I felt tethered to you.
I stared at you when I caught a glimpse of you. I pinched you, I judged you, I judged myself for letting you stay. I felt less than because I let you stick around.
Your weight was so much heavier than it should have been. I longed to live apart from you but you refused to leave my presence.
It took a long time. But finally, I decided to stop fighting against you. I decided to accept you. Every bit of you that I felt was flawed, that kept me burdened, that took the joy out of living; out of eating.
Instead of waging war against you once more I chose to wave my white flag in surrender.
I didn’t realize how small I was living until I allowed you to become part of me.
It was almost like you were meant to be here, all along.
Together, we can lift more weight. We can hug bigger. We can enjoy food without distress, guilt or shame. We can wear whatever we want to wear, because where you embrace my hips, where you squeeze my thighs, you are a sign of strength-- of growing and birthing two precious lives, of running marathons, of overcoming hardships so great I never thought I would make it through. I lost you, during some of that time. I also lost myself.
I’m so glad to have you back.
It feels… free.
Last five pounds, you are here to stay. I’m no longer letting you interfere with living my best life-- with being the mother, the wife, the friend, the counselor, the woman God made me to be. Allowing you to stay just might be the best decision I’ve never made.
It’s warmer here in New England, with you.
Lots of love, Kris